13 Things That Make You Feel: STRANGELY UNCOMFORTABLE
April 04, 2007
01. | Faking that you’ve taken your bike through scrutineering
OK, you know some Neanderthal is just going to make sure your brakes work and little else. You know your bike is fine-tuned to perfection and won’t fall apart. And that your helmet is in good nick, with all the right approved stickers on it. And by carefully observing the primitive marking system to say your bike has been passed, you know you can fake it... by using the weaponry of felt-tip pens, cable ties and multi-coloured stickers you’ve collected over the years. But there’s still those pangs of guilt when you do it. And precisely how tight are your spokes?
02. | Buying bargain riding kit at a show
All your mates have been at the show, too. All have seen the vomit-inducing puce-and-lime combo of 2001-spec riding kit was a snip at less than the price of a decent back tyre. It’s a bargain, all right. But you just know everyone thinks you’re a cheapskate. You’ll know they’ll notice and tongues will wag behind your back. And, worst of all, the second you flash the plastic and hide your purchases in a carrier bag, you’ll spot the identical kit on someone else’s stand even cheaper. With a free pair of goggles thrown in. Sucker.
03. | Making a superhuman effort to overtake… just because you know the rider in front is a girl
She’s just another racer. She puts her trousers on one leg at a time like you and me, she struggles to afford the latest bike and kit like the rest of us and has a job to go to on Monday morning. Hell, if she’s the butch dyke geezer-bird type she’d probably whup your lame ass in an arm wrestle, too. The only difference is she sits down to take a pee and has hooters that are marginally larger than your beer monster mate’s boobs. But you’d rather rot in hell than let her beat you. However, off the track, motocross gear on a girlie is the equivalent of beer goggles. You know, those imaginary goggles you wear that transforms minging birds into minters after a few pints of Stella. A girl who races is loads more attractive than one that doesn’t. Fact. You still won’t live it down if she beats you, though. 04. | Spotting race results are wrong... and you’ve been credited with a better position than you actually finished
You know you weren’t fifth. You know you were lapped by the top four. And so does everybody in your race. Everybody in the paddock, in fact. You know you should knock on the window of the period 1970s lap-scoring caravan and confess. But somehow, you persuade yourself somebody else will notice the error and the natural order of things will be magically restored. But deep down you hope not. And while you’re there, you know those brand new Oakley goggles that have been handed in were similar to the ratty old ones you discarded in the race. Go on, claim the superior ones as your own. Two wrongs make a right, surely…
05. | The elation when the rider in front of you crashes
All race long you’ve been engaging in a duel, the like of which hasn’t been seen since RJ and David Bailey slugged it out at Anaheim a shocking 20 years ago. You’ve passed and repassed your rival. You’ve followed his lines and worked out his strengths and weaknesses and where you are marginally quicker. And you’ve meticulously calculated where you are going to make that last-lap manoeuvre on him. Then he falls off all on his own and gifts you the place. If you’re honest, you weren’t certain you could pass him anyway. Of course, you hope he’s not injured. Well, maybe a tad sprained so he’s marginally slower in the next race.
06. | Getting round to reading your bike’s owners manual
Go on, dare you. Read the work of fiction that is the maintenance schedule. Because you just know you’ve not done even a half of it. Or a quarter of it. And you’ve never heard of half of the oils you’re supposed to use, either. Yamalube or Hondaoil or something you’ve never seen. I know you didn’t run the bike in anywhere near as much as they order you to. Add to that you don’t use a new gasket on the sump plug every time you change, or do you drain the float bowl every time you wash the bike do you? You do point your jetwash at wheels, bearings and suspension linkages. And you do wash your air filter in petrol. You don’t even use a torque wrench on the spokes. Or anywhere, in fact. Read and weep.
07. | Asking what gear a rival tackles a certain section of track in
Because you can guarantee it will be at least one gear higher than you. Everywhere. Corners you tackle in second, he manages in third. That third-gear tabletop, he snicks it into fourth. That flat-out straight where you keep it in third until the rev limiter kicks in, he claims he’s in at least fifth. Or sixth, if he still rides a strimmer. Or 250SXF. If you asked, he’d probably claim he started in top to avoid wheelspin. And he even manages to hit third on his way to the start line. Guess what – he’s telling porkies. That’s why he’s your rival and no faster than you. It’s a head game. Second and third gear are all you need. I should know, I am World Champion.
08. | Buying anything from a spares van
It’s the dirt bike equivalent of the corner shop. Convenient, a bit over-priced, limited stock, but a friendly face to help you out of a tricky spot. You feel sort of righteous supporting your local man-and-a-van with the odd purchase. But deep down, you’re concerned. You worry you are being taken for a ride as you’ve paid well over the odds, Which would be OK if it were for top-quality, name-brand kit. So how come you’ve never heard of the dodgy brand of inner tube, tear-off or chain he’s selling? And why is everything covered in a layer of dust? Where does this stuff come from? And which mug buys it? That’s you then.
09. | Attempting to read T&MX
The actual useful bit – the classified ads. That’s where inferiority and paranoia really kick in. It’s all about what marketers call post-purchase rationalisation. We all study ads for weeks before we buy something. But we scrutinise adverts more after we’ve already bought to reinforce that we’ve made the right decision. Until you read T&MX, that is. Because the second you’ve splashed out £4,500 for a new bike, there’s one for £500 less. Even worse, there’s a one-week-old one, fitted with Talon wheels, Pro Circuit exhaust, Ohlins suspension and a free trailer for a grand less than that. Your week-old machine is a worthless pile of scrap. And it’s nowhere near as trick as everyone else’s bike. Thank you world.
10. | Getting the all-clear from the St John’s
Phew! You got away with it! That monster crash that saw you ragdoll down the track. The mother of all crashes. You walked away. And despite still having blood in your mouth, you can hardly breathe, you’ve lost loads of skin and it hurts when you laugh, the first aid give you the all-clear. Thank God for that. Until the realization sets in that your medical wellbeing has been in the hands of some well-meaning volunteers without the aid of such essentials as an X-Ray machine. You’re in a tent or converted ice cream van in the middle of field and are taking vital advice from a binman who plays at being a medic every third weekend. Still feeling elated, sick boy? Best plan a trip to A and E, just to be absolutely safe.
11. | Hearing racist remarks about James Stewart
We all know the world has gone mad for Political Correctness. Where cups of coffee bought from the Golden Arches restaurant must carry warning labels to inform unwary purchasers that the contents may be “hot”. But the world of motocross is still very different to the world-gone-mad scaremongering predicted by The Daily Mail. MX is filled with proper blue-collar blokes. The sort who are mechanics, builders and plasterers. People who take the piss out of each other, read The Sun not The Guardian, pride themselves on practical jokes and crack sexist gags. But when that humour turns to Bubba baiting… Well, the world of the building site gobshite makes an awful sleeping partner to that of the world’s most talented motocross athlete. Who just happens not to be white.
12. | Bending the rules to cheat… just a little bit
Not proper stuff like riding a 450 with 250 stickers on it in the 125 class, you understand. Just the little things that you know you can get away with. Like when you thrust your gloved hand into the bucket to select a starting peg and “accidentally” pull out three… before quickly identifying the best one and throwing the others back. Or picking the only start gate without a railway sleeper behind so you can watch the starter stamp on the pedal and take a huge run up at the gate. Or overtaking somebody on a yellow flag as you know the marshal is looking the other way. Or turning a rival’s fuel off while he’s not looking, Or tweaking his suspension adjusters. Erm… that’s just me then.
13. | Realising the girl you’re valiantly chatting up actually understands motocross
Up until that second, you’ve been doing relatively well by embellishing the truth and painting a picture of your chosen sport as some hardcore hybrid somewhere between a Crusty Demons flick, a badass MTV music video from some extreme deathcore metal band, and Valentino Rossi’s 200mph racing antics. But there’s that sudden chill when you realize she actually knows the average speed is more like 30mph, you aren’t the master of the backflip variation and you don’t have the badass scars-and-tatoos of Ronnie Faisst. And your local AMCA track is hardly Edison International Field. Get your coat, you’ve not pulled. And make sure it’s a proper coat, not a motocross paddock jacket. Repeat after me: MX kit is cool at the track only.
NEXT ISSUE: 13 things only a motocrosser understands. Like why next year’s bike is far superior to this year’s. Even if the only things that have changed are the graphics...
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